This morning I woke up from a dream, asking myself many questions about the nature of human’s heart.
There were times, I was afraid to feel, afraid of pain and joy .I was afraid to let go of suppressed emotions and accept my own power and will to choose different.
These days, life is a lucid dream which makes everything possible and changeable, I travel to memory lane with openness and excitement, I listen and let waves of feelings touch every corner of my being. I wait long enough to feelings lose their personal story and pain which always associates with unwanted thoughts vanishes into sense of life. I stand with all of me, in the present moment and knowingly travel to all unwanted and hurtful moments. What was once named PAST, is nothing but a passing fog appearing on ground of present and the more focus I stare into it, the less I desire to carry the heaviness of my thoughts about it. I let them drop, it is so heavy and painful, this nagging judgment over events, people and outcomes. Especially when its darkness effects my present moment.
So, why I travel over and over to certain memories?!
This morning, I sat in my favorite armchair, sipping on my coffee, listening to a Serenity CD which I bought 8 years ago in San Francisco and over the period of two months, I listened it over and over, crying, longing and thinking of the man whom I fell in love. I listened to tracks with smile on my face and a peaceful heart.
I never met him again, never heard from him, I wrote letters, poems, emails for over 4-5 years and not even once, he replied. Before, I never knew what love is, what need is, what attachment means… This desire and longing turned into a spiritual journey, to find a purpose and make a sense of my own existence.
After 8 years, today, is the day that I look into landscapes of my feeling with no fear, resistance, and disapproval. Nothing is hidden, suppressed and disfigured. Every feeling is appreciated and honored.
Could I call this healing, enlightenment or acceptance? This peaceful state within my emotions is changeable, as waves of ocean, some moments rise to a level that might bring discomfort, alongside with a sense of wonder, however it rise, I rise with clarity and more space to observe and allow my emotions.
I certainly have a new understanding of love, sensuality and sexuality. I relate to my being more intimately and not necessary need the presence of a Masculine icon in my life to feel passionate, loving and sexual.
Fifteen years ago, I was a sex addict with no idea of what true love is, how a relationship works? I expected to be loved and cared for, but I wasn’t be able to offer myself that love and care. So, I lash out my body, mind and soul. I brought suffering and unworthiness into my own heart and life and meeting this man was another attempt to fix my addiction. But this time, the encounter led me to waking up and after that every event and change became an invitation to meet and embrace another part of myself, in time, I woke up to this magnificent inner landscape in my heart, constantly creating scenarios and stories to assist this waking up.
Life has become a vast space allowing all happening, love no longer is a need, lust or desire. Love is sacred place to meet every part of myself within mirror of the world. My heart feels vulnerable and transparent most of the time, but I am not running away from feeling, I feel my presence moment by moment and as I every day arrives, I renew my senses by embracing where I am with no reservation.
In totality of each moment, I stay intimate with my feelings and emotions and go beyond surface story, beyond what the mirror shows and how I choose to translate every event and person.
Life no longer needs to be perfect or purposeful. Life is a joy of presence, the greatest learning was and is, to feel sexual, sensual or loving, and I don’t need to be with another. I am enough, today is enough and far more than that, is a mystery that drives my passion and creative force to stay aware and loving and let it merge with magic and anticipation to create something magnificent and simple, from baking a bread to writing a poem. From morning shower to kissing the beloved’s lips.
Life is a constant openness to this mesmerizing landscape, feelings, emotions, colors, verity, mystery, transformation. Life is a rendezvous with Now, to make love.
I am sitting on my favorite armchair, loving all.