I am falling, in and out of day, wondering of speed of my travel in and out of mind. One moment, I am in state of bliss and then, with frown in my forehead and rigid posture of my body, I am back again in mind territory.
If someone asks me if I am awaken, I have no answer. There was a time, I felt awaken, walked on water and had everything manifested with just pure intention. I think most of us experience moments of awakening and we think it is an engine that when ignited and started, it is good to go. I am realizing, at least in my own journey, many times I spoke before actually the truth of moment was marinated in me. It takes time to move from knowing to being. We need time and space to be fully observer and let mind plays all her tricks, when there is no game to play, no fear, no fake ambition, no control, it eventually lose its authority, at the other word transcends to serve the soul purpose.
At one point, I am wishing month of March be over and the other hand as the future is so out of mind control or directing, there is such a worry inside me, like waves move me up and down through emotions. That is why I took a silence retreat from everything, I know, this phase is vital to complete my mind transcendental process. As my heart is fully open and expands daily in bliss and inner peace. Every time, mind kicks with a story of tomorrow, I witness the movement of my being from higher vibration to lower! And as soon as I accept one of mind’s food, it bombards with a running movie, all emotional triggers that I have been carrying since I remember. I have enough space and self-reliance to stay as an observer and fear never gets too deep, but it is still there.
I think the key to freedom is paying attention to everything, bring down the consciousness so close and bright that nothing escape the attention or the respond of heart which comes as intuition.
The world of mystics is spiral within spiral. Sometimes, happening, miracle, fresh insight seems too far, but the truth is, it is just around the corner and it is not coming until, we really sink into stillness.
I lived a full spectrum of life for a woman whom was born in west and raised in Middle East, faced revolution, war and at the end, living in exile had become her only way out of scarcity and suffering which her entire childhood and early adulthood were painted with. When you live in such a darkness, unlovingness becomes your normal day, being shunned and humiliated anytime you speak or stand in your own truth, is an expensive heritage to lose easily. You carry it like a cross and even when your abusers are not there, you practice it all by yourself or find people who takes away the rest of your worth!
I survived such thoughts and feelings over years. And perhaps that is why every step life invites or pushes me to be more awaken. To have enough time and space, to go in and see none of my thoughts are true or real. My mind has nothing to give and one look into my heart, brings so much softness, care and gentleness into my moment. I have been doing everything wrong, trying to do things that not presenting my true self and the result was so much pain, even if I did it for safety and security, it never really was a safe net.
Over 25 years, I lived in a battlefield mind and heart. I judged myself and I attracted people who also was so good in putting me down, I brought all evidences into my experiences to say, your are unworthy, your have no right to live, no one loves you, wants you!
And only with grace of God, I am still on earth! I am saved over hundred times by Grace and I still doubt that I am part of this Grace, I am Divine Self, expressed in this poetic, creative and loving way. The hardest lesson of my journey was loving myself, my body, my senses, my earth and my heaven. I am working hard every day to be more truthful, more of divine nature, more faith, more love, more let go. I want to be free.
March 2017, is the ending of all low beliefs. I never been so much into NOT DOING, until it rise from my heart. No logic, pain, confusion, fear has a power over me anymore. I want to end this now and live and be and not care about tomorrow. Only Now, the gift of present. In flow.
So, stillness continues and shapes my writing. It is the unshaped in me that shapes the current and for the first time of my life, I feel free from thinking suicide, thinking death. I am free from anger and fear. It is like there, all the conclusion of 51 years on earth, to be free, to be God, to be whoever I am.
I am almost there, into losing my mind and falling, falling in love and never return. Magic is staying in this love, magic is surrendering to it, lose all borders, cloths, structures, just fluid, just present. Just be.
I am alive.
I am willing to be dead-less and eternal.