My beloved, it has been a long time since I wrote you a letter. Many people left my life again. I am in a new land, a small Island in a middle of Mediterranean Sea, to see birds and ocean every day.
At first I thought it will be a home, a while after, I noticed this is another platform, a short or long residence but not my home, not our home. I am still waiting to see signs of a new happenings. My personality no longer is here. Everything is so quiet. No bell rings. No visitors. I am floating into nothingness.
I always see your face in my heart, I need to sit and pause between my daily activities and listen. These days listening is the only thing I do. I began writing and painting after few months gap. I do feel a presence but not with memories, a bit light headed and unsure of how my life will dance on this little platform.
I t has been really few years since my hot passionate love letters. Somehow, I feel your presence all the time, smiling at me that I didn’t feel like writing to you.
Today is different. There is a whirlpool I my heart, full of love and longing, to touch you and be touched by you. Come closer, come inside me, hold my bod between your arms and let me rest my head on your heart beats.
Ah, sweet love, my forever lover, there is an ache in my chest, pressure to exhale in your love. And also magic beyond my understanding. I was born to fall in love with you. With curl of our hair, with your seductive smile. With gentle sound and warmth of your voice. And your fiery kisses and embrace.
Years are passed since we met on earth, I saw you in a reflection, speechless and lost in my feelings.
I followed the dream of being one with you, it was the beginning of alchemy in my heart. Tears and poetry became my companions, I had nowhere to go, but within my soul. Am I still going in or I am flowering out?
I heard tales of lovers, mystics in search of God, falling in love with others and burnt to their thinnest skin and bones, just for another moment in presence of grace. Today, I woke up lost in rooms of my castle, my heart cannot see anymore of self or other. Ah, my beloved soul, rescue me from doubt. From unknowing waves of life.
Is anything left to let go in continues journey into pilgrimage of love?
You are my absolute need, the obsession and hunger to long for a life without separation and fear of losing part of myself in search of you, my true love.
How could it be, this restlessness to meet my own heart, in every encounter, every pair of eyes.
I am addict to loving, to sit in face of storms and know, it is another mirage of my mind, another layer, another test to overcome, to be worthy of our union.
The truth is I do not know where to go from here? It has been here for some time now. I witness, I allow, I disappear and so the illusion keeping me away from your arms.
I wonder moment to moment, in no direction. Even my heart burns and I feel tired and exhausted with feelings, I know gravity is not my luxury. My heart never could settle with comfort and familiar. I needed to surf life, play with mad winds. I needed to lose my heart and find it back again, more expanded and magical.
I am paying every moment, for the ecstatic love that resides in my heart. The words pouring out on white pages are the shimmering light of my soul, chanting your name, exploring deeper in skin of my human form.
I want to belong. I want to have a home on earth, buy my own flour, and bake my own bread. With olive, rocket and rosemary herb. I want to wake up, not wandering at least for a day or two. I want a break from this long journey of not arriving.
I admit to my heart suffering. I admit, I lost my mind and there no way I can walk on earth with my old shoes. Could I grow wings? Could I stop this bleeding and bury my flesh with dignity?
I am called many names, crazy was a nicest one! The world is mad and people eating each other. Violence is everywhere. People gossips and they not seeing the mental violence in their head and have audacity to call a true seeker, a true lover of truth, the Crazy!
And yes, to all those sleepless nights when I sat with you, horrified to see the void of my dreams, the illusion of desires, addictions and control. I am still horrified of the power you have over my tiny un important life. I offered everything, I still do and sometimes, I also think, I am the mad one, walking away from comfort, familiars, into this unending aloneness, to stay with your love, faithful to my own heart.
There is a hunted beauty in my life, my daily experiences of present. I write and paint it when I can. Feelings run deep and not always easy to follow. Sometimes I dance or sit alone in tears.
I need an answer, I need a ground and stability. I need to provide for my life. You have to meet me halfway or take over. I cannot live another moment like this. In confusion and disorientation of this peeling fire of alchemy.
Yes, my life is full of grace and heaven is more real than ever, this unsettling longing, doubt of how to interact with physical side of life. Where am I with all these? I am done with surviving. When there is so much love and devotion in my heart, every day has to bring more freedom of any condition. And I still suffering to protect my body with having a shelter and food and be entirely free of any lack or asking for help.
You are my love, my home, the only reality I want to see and feel. I do not know, if this is a letter or a prayer, but from the first word, my eyes are crying and my voice shaken with fragility and despair.
I know light has many faces, many ways to show up, and my heart broken again with intensity of this long deep longing for complete union with self. Speak my love, I never been here, in this new moments before. I am frightened to stay as a human and horrified to disappear in your love as well. One moment it feels so serious and the next, I laugh to my own suffering. The paradox of being me!
You are my home, my true lover, my soul, let me rest in the comfort of your presence. I have no clue how to run my life on earth anymore…
Let my life be a perfect absent of me, a perfect delight of your presence. Let me be served on celebration table of love comings.
My love, my mind is tired and my body shattered, I only have my heart to offer. I want you beside me, inside me.
I want to rest in you.
Melt in you. Disappear in you.