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The sense of familiar is a short ride on a local bus, where we know the stop we need to jump on and take off. Familiar is close, affordable and manageable. There is no risk in taking a bus daily to visit whatever we required about our known needs and desires.

The moment, the journey changes and a new need and desire rises, our familiar borders get shaken and something deep stretch out of our comfort zone. Now there is a voice calling us to move away from familiar, go to distance, visit a new space, perhaps the next town or even further, go to another country. Suddenly we are pulled in different directions. We feel a split within us. Now, close has a value and distant feels uncomfortable, dangerous. Lines become hard and stiff, unchangeable. A resistance is born and we feel torn apart even before we take one step toward what we want, in fear of losing the close and comfortable senses of belonging.

I look into mirror every day and see how the lines on my face are changing, some moving closer, more wrinkles around my eyes than 10 years ago. And strangely the  frown on my forehead has opened up and lines are lighter and widen than my teenage time. My face also  journeys. Between close and familiar and the  unknown distance of lines, appearing and fading away. Sometimes, I look into my face recognizing there is no person here and something might happen and feelings are triggered and then an identity shows up in my daily approach and attitude toward outer reality.

The need for protection and keeping life close, as close as a few hubs on a local bus, as long as it  feels safe enough, predictable enough. We think we are peaceful and all of our needs are met. Are they met?!

Are we see and recognize the identity we travel with? How much we really know who we are? What mirror give us a true reflection? And there is still the measurement of distance to our senses of what we know as familiar and what takes us away from that.

Over the years I noticed, I keep myself away from feeling life in her totality. I was always close to everything and everyone, but never fulfilled. Never really surrender to the bus route. As long as I knew where I am going, before the stop, I had my bag ready on my shoulder, looking at my watch, counting the minutes in my head from the bus stop to my destination. I never actually enjoyed much of the bus ride even, it was so much about getting there and do whatever I wanted to do, that I never paused for a moment and look outside of the window. Being close for me was about what I can control and expect on daily basis. So, close never really satisfied my heart and that became a thirst to explore the distant.

The avoidance of present could be so strong that only in our imagery distant we can find an illusionary emotional satisfaction to replace our desire to feel ourselves and connect with life in totality and intimate way. We are good at fixing things, we get fixed by  a glass of wine for losing up or in some cases bottles of vodka to feel safer, calmer and think, we still on a local bus and know our stops! We fix our life with our retreats and vacations and stay happy two weeks after and then we are back in close, and not yet arrived and even that close is not longer give us a sense of safety because experiences are changing us at all time, accepting or refusing the effects of change will not stop the constant transformation of our inner reality.

Our surface identify and knowledge of local areas, even having the bus map,  does not guarantee a peaceful and fulfilling trip unless we let vulnerability in, open up to possibility to visit a new town. The more we open our heart to unfamiliar, to more courageous we feel to follow our new needs and persue movement  into new roads.

Change our bus route, look outside of ordinary lines, and connect intimately with a view of our surrendering.

The sense of close and distance, only mirrors our own senses of intimacy with self. How comfortable we feel in face of unfamiliar? What feels close to day might actually keep our life small, unworthy and stag.

Perhaps it is distance that might teach us new ways to explore our sense of belongings. We wear a watch and health band with proximity to everything. Our walking steps, our blood pressure, how smooth we sleep, what food we should eat. Our mobile appointments, wow, the entire universe in out there, download this map and that manual in instant. We are close, aren’t we? We have access to things, that for sure is true, but how close we really are with what is beneath this identity, this face? How truly we sense joy and peace?

I love my hands, my fingers are amazing teacher. I watch them close daily. Their movements are unpredictable. They grasp, touch, hold, dance in the air. My arms bring things closer and move in complete harmony with my desires. Always follow, always provide and bring satisfaction, by putting food in my mouth, my washing my body, combing my hair. My hands are bus routes to entire universe. I travel with them to world of imagination and I create. I move on their sensual edge and I discover more of my feminine nature. How close they are? How distant they move?

I desire life through them.

They are the most familiar part of my body and yet always inviting me to try new and unfamiliar. They follow nothing, they just embrace everything.

I learnt a great deal by watching my hands, other people hands and movements. I learnt closeness and distant are just borders of how we choose to feel intimate with life. Many human still live mentally, like my time on bus trips, always ready for afterwards happening, never in present, never in zero point of travel. In unmeasured  life, without proximity.

 

Hub on a bus with no map, go away from familiar, away from thinking you know who you are and what you want. Let your hands take you to journey of embracement.

Life is not a theory or to do list. Life is intimacy with yourself. And do not settle with familiar. Familiar is small, is boring. Experience your own greatness, your vulnerability is the edge of flight into freedom.

 

Serena Devi  

 

 

 

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