Journey of a hero is not a myth or a story. It is the core truth of each human being. We set ourselves to trails of challenges, deadly encounters with shadow. To thrive, to be stronger, to develop unbeatable courage. I know the path and its pitfalls very well.
For years, I have been swinging between security and freedom, between parts of who I am and desire to be whole. I created challenges and tests beyond many people believes to rise as a Hero in my own life story. I never could understand why I brought so much pain and broken heart and failing in my own life until recently.
Understanding is freedom, but as long as our perception limits us to a certain way of seeing and relating as a behavioral pattern or auto reflex, we never can find solution for our problems at the same energy and level of mind which they are created. In my story of hero, I lived all of my life with feeling of a deep shame and not being wanted. It is not something you can heal by external success and confident persona, I promise, you can have it all figure out from outside to how cover such a wound, and no one even will guess how deep this cut in your soul rind because you keep moving forward by achievement lists and it is not really for others, it is for your own sake, you need to meet those expectations and be stronger and stronger while something within sucking up your life energy and the empire you are building has no foundation, it is all for the sake of approval and acceptance of your Ego, fear that the world will see how small and insignificant you are. You feel like a fraud inside, outside, everyone think you are a strong doer! I lived that life and I even thought I am a hero!
The truth is I was coward to be who I am and in 2008, when God answered my prayers, after a complete collapse of my material and emotional life. My heart began beating and soul became the Hero and leader of life in me.
I was still running away from the shame, still avoiding to look deeper into myself. The soul journey has no end, however, they are shifts, expansions and grow as a constant meter running at every stage. As one moves deeper into courage of facing all inner blocks and limitations, the reward comes as freedom, faith and trust to invisible parts of life. Eventually, certain clarity comes and intuition became the main guide and way shower especially if you travel without a guru and teacher, every fall and standing up fuels your heart. Because unveiling truth burns every illusion of self. In my case, I was always good to see the bigger picture and vision and ready to fly, but I wasn’t prepare to do the step by step work, so I missed many little unhealed parts of myself and only the last 6 months, it feels like a recap of recovery, healing, re -meeting darkness and undeveloped parts to embrace them, to be whole. And I still could see, I am avoiding myself, avoiding to really dive in. You see, I write passionately, poetry and words are my domain and I am so good in hiding certain parts from my own eyes and still speak of truth and experience it by my walk.
Today, I woke knowing, unless I manifest something really truthful, I am about AGAIN to end up homeless and without money!! And truth is my entire life, I have been swinging between genius and madness of being who I am without sensor any part. I never wanted to see why I have this urge to constantly journey into danger, into lack of everything to suddenly rise in power, build a speedy movement that only courage of Hero could make and SAVE myself from a deathful situation and circumstance.
It the past even part of the play was blaming my parents, society or my boyfriends!
I am tired of swing between extremes, between security and freedom. I am tired of holding myself back to be the greatness, to be amazing, to be the STAR I am. I am tired to live short and hide from my shame behind extra weight and constantly reaching out to find a solution for imbalance in my life while I am the source of this and the only way I can change it is to own my shame. Own my vibration. Own my dreams and manifestation.
I am rewriting myself by words, I am re-creating my world by coming back to Truth and writing is my redemption. My way out of scarcity and limitation.
I am not just good at this, I am pure at this. I am God at this. So, I am putting everything in open, for myself to see and love unconditional. For you, to listen and reflect into your own journey. Are you another Hero constantly jumping between fear and glory, one day High, one day low? Doing works that not satisfy you and still avoiding the one that your brilliance lies in it because your shame, your unworthiness, and your lack to see your wholeness stopping you to live the joy you are!!
Because we are human, because we are soul and to make this bridge stable between our Earth and Sky, we must really land in our heart and passion. I might still need to let go of my current residence and some belongings, but I am fine now, because I am done with small living. All I ever needed my courage for was to accept who I am and lives my life on my own terms. Knowing I am truthful to my true gifts and I no longer need to sacrifice, walk on trails of tests and challenges to trust myself and BE HERO.
I am a Hero, I am human. I live from that to become God, to become more of truth. But I stop avoiding myself and hanging on my old swings. If I ever want to feel true love on Earth, I must remove all layers between myself and loving myself. I told myself, I am intimate with God, because I can write so intimately of that love, I can offer love and compassion unconditionally to everyone but I wasn’t truthful. I refused to include myself all the time. I did accept myself mentally, but I never accepted myself emotionally. I never sat with my own little girl, I never wanted to see the roots of my feelings. I fixed the emotions by awareness but that is not conscious living that is intelligent coaching!! What we need to do is to truly land in our hearts and embrace ourselves, every day we have lived so far, every second of every feelings that is not bring us joy, and must be transmuted to joy of being who we are.
I am doing it by this open letter, expressing my exact feelings and accepting my role for all of my creation and I do not know how things will change from here, but I know, when we really get naked and speak with all sincerity to life, to God, to universe, we shall receive the same sincerity and openness. I am ready, ready to live from my power as one.
No more lie, no more selling short, no blame, no shame, and yet everything is welcomed, because I am not defined by my feelings but guided by them to shine more. To polish my soul with more love.
I am a Seer, a visionary, I am engineer of God. I write with pen of Light and I have an eternal flame in my heart. I am stopping to be any other story, I write what I want to write.
I am a Hero because I finally stopped being afraid to be WHO I AM. I am Truth.
My only request from you is to be WHO YOU ARE. Be Truth.