Are we ready for truth?

407133_2145984547865_1112762677_n

When I was younger, life seemed very different, my world was small and my needs so loud. I was thinking having things, like a house, car, a good job and circle of friends will be enough, will satisfy that place in me which I still have no name for it. I was sleep walking and couldn’t even feel the pain of walking on broken glasses, the darkness of fears and beliefs I was prisoned into.

These days, everyone talks about energy and vibration, everyone wants think and talk positive, otherwise what? Or the ship will sink!

Are we  still conditioned to certain way of being and now we need be always sunny.

Today, after years of noise, there is a silence sanctuary within me, within most of us, where we are witness to all the drama of life, with smile and hit of humour even in the face of most threatng events, we learnt to detach and let it pass.

But we also have a choice to hold of that nostalgic moment of uncertainty, not knowing how roots of sadness grasps our hearts, what happened to  sunny self. Why I feel so serious and listening to all craps of my mind when I know better!

It the past, I would struggle with my struggle, would try to remove it from my daily experience and would distract myself with some sort of action, doing something, calling someone, these days, I have no one to call to, it is a wide space of present and freedom, empty and available now, to get engaged with new people, connections, ideas and all of the sudden instead of getting creative and jump on unicorn of my dreams, I am sitting at a corner of room while sunny heart is hidden behind grey fluffy clouds, maybe for a moment I stop changing, directing,  having dialougue my every feelings and allow myself to be sad, to cry without reason, then laugh without a reason.

We are allowed to sit in our grieves, or pain, doesn’t matter they are all imaginary and not real, it is still a part of my ego play, let play it and let it pass. And I will do better tomorrow, because my different parts have more harmony after this scream into my own darkness.

Today, I want to live that darkness.

They are sides in us, in, out, middle…and hundreds more of rooms and corridors which we still have not discovered. Contentment is one of them, love is another, there is also this pantry which I like very much go and sit before sunset, I can see the entire sky without any birds and clouds from there… just before sun sets. That is time, I can really open up to music of my existence, after a long cry, a long shower of rain and ah, only then my heart is willing to see the rainbow again.

There is an entire universe lives and breathes inside our being and how could we even think, it should always be good, or strong, or need to always speak positive… and if we say our real feelings, e will be judged and perhaps people won’t see me as a teacher, a guru, a humble student, whatever we think we are, suddenly  becomes less, for expressing our true experience in that moment.

We are given the opportunity to have a form, to see and experience the wide spectrum of newness, feelings, ideas and actions .15 years ago, I would write my thoughts and cry my feelings between words and kept it in my little booklet without having a place to scream, today, the entire internet is your well, your mountain to go and scream, heard or not, you feel the release of tension, only because your mind still believes they are people out there! I wonder, how I am going to feel when enlightenment be discovered in one of these rooms and after that, my mind won’t even have the comfort of scream. J

But it is my journey, my path and over the last few weeks especially with a few big kicks and shocks from universe, I decided to spend more time listening to myself, those blue days that my heart wants to vanish behind clouds and I feel alone, I want to sit and hold myself in my arms, for as long as it takes… Because if my story in life was about the abandon child, then the only way that child in me, feel loved and appreciated is to have someone listening to her, stay fully with her. No one ever do this for you, except you!

My pain and joy, both comes from within and for that, I become responsible for my own being in a way that I never been before. So, what I eat, suddenly becomes a new topic and my body keeps shouting, enough, I can not eat this and that, change your eating habit… and I am so afraid to even listen, until, a shock comes which might not having anything to do with food and body, but has to do everything with life and my rooting and why I hide behind my weight and fat, to avoid certain feelings, certain people who always project my own darkness and fears…

So, I decided to sit today and just write, maybe for myself and perhaps for others.

Writing gives me space to feel and observe, to listen without judging myself, I only can do this with transparency, and that is why it gets hard, struggling with struggle, there is nowhere to hide, blame or make an excuse. I have to change, I have to find and discover what I don’t or can’t see at this moment, in me, it is not always believes, it could be a damaging values, but it is behind those grey clouds and unless I journey myself into those schizophrenic  hills and valleys, I won’t be able to unveil them, to se their nothingness, learn and grow.

So, from I to We, we must sit with our every moment and let it be lived in full. Expressing it or not, is a choice, which again we need to see our intention of all actions, doing of not doing!

By ending this note today, I find myself in a more relaxed stage than we I began. I might still not know why over the last couple of weeks, clouds pass my sky so often, but for sure, I know, writing takes their  seriousness away. I always smile, even between tears, sun always shines and love always wins.

Be who you are, no matter how it looks like from outside.

Serena Devi

 

A bit longer

Let stay in this moment a bit longer,

Where you and I grow our new wings

And our hearts yield to colourful leaves of love.

Our lips touch silently under surface of night

We open the unknown door and enter a new world.

Our waves of joy arrive on pebbled shore

Ah, sweet moon, stars and the mystery of passing moment…

I am going home in this moment

A bit longer when I am in pain

A bit shorter when I love,

In depth of this moment

I engage with aloneness

I engage with aliveness

Circling in wilderness of my heart

Everytime my eyes meet yours

Nightingale sings and moon smiles.
Let stay in this moment a bit longer.
© Serena Devi

Love Blows

Love blows

Nothing remains the same.

The barefoot sky walks on a edge

Of shadow and light,

Touched by passing lovers,

Undressed by Sun.

All questions end in fury of ocean waves,

Reaching warm moist sandy beaches of tomorrows.

It is not the first wave, overflows over

curves of waiting coasts, it is almost in

the end, when sun of yesterdays rests

In eternity’s bed, nothing remains

But a magic of a kiss

Between the loving lips.

Love blows,

Beside a naked woman, sounded sleep.

Summer nights are full of promises.

He may pass in her dreams, one more time;

With a smell of sandlewood and light touch of his fingertips.

Suddenly all thirst and urge disappeared

Behind the veil of pale moon.

Alone, she is alone in the face of memories,

The celebration of bodies, in passion, sweat and orgasms, behind the veil, the truth is fragile and fading.

Soul was peeled by love, scent of a lavender candle and sex,

before dawn, her heart turned red

And summer night became a cage.

She must run, out into aloneness of her feelings, into the unseen shores,

Crying over the wind’s shoulder

Waiting for hope, for his return.

Love blows, years are gone

She stands alone beside the cypress trees,

Eyes see, lips feel,nothing remains the same.

her heart is colourless wonderer

In poetry, loving and let go.

Memories, the fire of her blood, the power of her pen,

The mystery of a blade and endless curving of her soul,

Dying and continuing.

Beating in moving waves of ocean,

Unmoved within her own heart,

How can she ever reach to the other side?

Love kisses her lips

and soul flow over all dreams

Into the tomorrow’s Sun.

©Serena Devi

Surrender

image

Sometimes we are saved by someone’s words, other times by pure silence. Not just because it brings peace and serenity, silence has a way to reflect back the minds noise and ego’s attempts to keep us in separation and chaos.
Meditation has been the best friend when those moment of disconnection rise, close your eyes and feel the life movements in your body and let all thoughts, emotions appear, disappear. Wash away by tranquility of fresh moment.
I have been crossing another desert for sometime now, alone,sun is peeling my skin, so many deep emotions surfacing, as a witness I Am all, as me, the woman, the body, mind and story, I feel so sorry for all pain and sorrow I have caused for myself. For sometime now, I have been avoiding to feel and hear my heart, creating has been wonderful, but also a place of doing that kept me safe and away of feelings.
After 23rd March, waves of eclipse shook my being upside down, wounds appeared and the nagging mind….
For the last few days, I have been sitting in silence and meditating extensively. Today, it opened up, burst in tears and joy of finally feeling the flow of emotions. Now, it settles, like water, find its level.
Now, I can hear my heart again, I can  accept where  I am and what needs to change and move from this stagnant and let flow breaks all solid in me.
Ah, I want to flow again, touch the softness of my hearts petals, kiss the warmth of love’s lips with hunger and passion to experience more of myself into the world.
I am going beyond another layer of “I”, where no mind reaches, only nakedness, vulnerability and not knowing could survive the heat of truth, which has been chanting my heart.
Today is a good day to change, to swim and accept here and trust universe
Today is a good day to forgive myself, love myself and stay hand in hand with myself.
Today is a brilliant day, to say I love you and “Surrender”.