Who am I?

5898_4452989261541_1864536745_n

Today, we sit on Varanda together with a coffee and timeless morning. I want to listen, to soft waves of your breath touching my existence. I want to let go and be in this moment, free of everything  that connects me to earth of my feelings. Today, I am no human, no giver or receiver.

I am in presence of sacred, in you, in me, in all there is.

I know I am falling in a deeper love, hopelessly in love. I used to see an object for this love, now, I know better, loving has no beginning or destination, it is allowing, surrendering to present, where sacred happens over and over, always different, always new and unpredictable.

I do not even try to put words into this experience, because it is not possible to describe the mystery. I just listen to waves and follow the song, into forests, along the sandy beaches, in dark caves, between lover’s arms, into aloneness. It is usually aloneness which offers the phenomenon and undescribed moments of life.

When it rains, in rains on everyone, does not make any choices. I want to become a drop, a sameness of life, a surrendering, an act of not doing but holding space for all happening.

How my life would shape if I stop making choices and observe…a woman wakes up, yawn and go to bathroom, then to kitchen, coffee is brewing. She comes and sits on Balcony and begins writing on keyboards. No more choices, in what I say or what says me?

I want more of love, more of nakedness, more dancing in the rain, barefoot and free. I want space expands in my heart, let it break my human bones, let it break all ideas of how my life should look like, let whoever wants to go, leave peacefully and let break all walls and let light in, let more of love comes in, embrace and make love…

What do I have to be afraid of to lose? What really have lost was not mine to begin with. My heart broke and cried years of losing my high school friends when we shared so much in youth and life seemed more honest between us. I lost them to ignorance while my own personal believes and pillars fell down and I questioned every choices I had made, how true they were? How true I was to who I am?

I slept in bed of roses and woke up in nightmare of desert, I lost, I sacrificed, I died and died over and over. It was ego dying, it was untrue dying, but I could not see the truth, veils covered my eyes and walls were still held me in prison on separation.

My journey is not just mine, right now, you are having the same journey into your own heart, every stage of the journey, when there is a challenge, we actually moving through another layer of veil and surrender deeper to our higher self, our true self.

Today, I am sitting in my body on balcony of this apartment which I call it my residence after 9 years living in other spaces, with strangers, family, people whom are no longer in my life. Some, I loved dearly and left. Some, played their role and vanished.

I do not need to think about death, to understand the value of life.  There were two big challenges in my life, one named independency! Which I lost when the mystical side of my life took over and others became provider for my every need and my ego hated to lose that control and my soul tortured witnessing how easy the people you love and trust, come back to judge and condemn your truth. But, in time, I saw the bigger picture of this challenge and learning. It was not about making living or responsibility. Divine light always guide us toward our higher self, living from that truth. The fearless part of us, the true power lies in higher- self  authority and not earthy master, ego.     Today, I make my choices by listening deeply to inner voice, and if outside walls are falling, I maintain patience and space to stay unattached until inner voice moves me in a right direction. I faced living in street, being hungry for days, not having any contact with people for months to practice this one lesson, let go of any control over my own life, I still do it daily. The moment a fearful thoughts arrive, I know, I need to step back and listen deeper and wait for full alignment before I take action.

The other challenge was falling in love with a man whom I only met twice briefly and changed the course of my life forever. The fire and burning beyond my understanding too over and for years, I chased ways to re -connect and return to love of my life, as he was in every sense my own reflection. What I felt and still do, burnt all ideas of soulmates and twinflames! It was beyond normal meeting a boy and a girl, relationships and so on.. It was a pure hot lava on my heart and all my ego attempts to be united with him. I did not know what to do. My entire being was in longing, yearning, pain beyond understanding, I lost myself in the process and it was a transformative process. It was death of all attachments, senses of belonging, desires, lust and physical hunger. It took 6-7 years truly to completely let go and be able to understand what really took place.

Today, I live in love, the space includes everything and everyone, I might make my own choosing in how deeply I interact with individual people, but the roots of that preference is not separation, control or wanting things.. it comes from seeing energy, feeling alignment in the way spirit unfolds through us. Today, love is who I am. To cultivate that, I dance between my heart and all that rise in the mirror of the world.

Recently, after a cycle of events, I came to realize that surrendering is the key to unlock any coding of my soul blue print and be aware to recognize the signs and symbols and let go of all control and tries to make things happen, but accept what rise and offered gratefully.

I write without reading my words again, I publish without editing… I like this raw energy in my heart, I know it will be different tomorrow, or the next moment and I want this choice. To choose not choosing anything, anyone. Without my story, who am I?

A mystery…

Serena Devi

 

Who is my twinflame?

twin-flame-love

Say it loud, who is my twinflame?

When one travelers as long and as deep as I do, feelings become gateways to new landscapes and bridges. I never know, when moments will take me. Have my knowing helps or changes the unfolding path?

Many years ago, I had a mystical encounter is a very significant way, because I was a child, I barely remember what took place. I never forgot my feelings. Those feelings was a sign of presence of God or at the time I felt, something arrived, warm, kind. It held me long enough that my tears stopped, clouds disappeared and I began to experience something different from any other thing, people, or concept. I met my own soul, too young to understand or explain.

Today, entire world is talking on all social Medias of the phenomenon happening of the shift, rise and transformational consciousness, how we all are love and Divine.  Today, we have more yoga classes and meditation than ever been offered on planet. And also we are desperate to connect to peace, finding purpose and get out the rush hours and fast track of daily activates.

Our mind is the trouble maker however most of us are afraid to let it go and let something new takes place. Some of us were blessed to have some kind of mystical experience that provoked us at some point in our part to enquire deeper the meaning of being, asking important questions and not settling unless our hearts say “Yes” to answers. Sometimes there is no answer and again we need to know how to accept.

What makes a mystic; a mystic, is inner authority and unbreakable, unshakable faith in the face of unknown. Today, I began writing daily as it was the case few years back after massive fire in my heart and her initiation. My pen poured out over 500 poetry on this blog, of my encounter with love of my life, with my twinflame. I went to another dimension, meeting love, dissolving in love. I never met the earthy mirror again and that was the most painful human/woman experience in my life. Longing and yearning for a dream. Love seeking an object for her affection, is like a dog chasing his own tail. And god knows, I did chase. I broke every rule, any idea or approach called healthy or unhealthy in love, relationships, and even I went beyond acting on obsession.

It was not need, and yet it was as required as air for my breathing. My heart shattered over years, writing emails, letters, silence, publishing poetry books, an still sometime was burning so deep. It took about real 6 years after that encounter, that veils kept me from seeing the purpose of such a meeting and heart initiation. I took 4 years complete solitude to hear the true voice of a true lover. A profound sense of self took over and realization of who I am. Fire was gone, a warm, sensual river planted in my heart, move in and out of my breath, loving became simple, free with no direction. The man was no longer an object, he was not outside and all these years I chased an reflection of all that was carving, speaking and making love from within.

I just decided to write more, not sure how this will be concluded, here on my blog, in a  book, or just an echo inside my mountains.

I have lost my mind and my heart now sees and speaks. The world is no longer the same. I hear all songs and some still invites me to explore the sense of my belonging as a human.

Do I still believe in love and coming together of twinflames, I say, believe has nothing to do with it. I believed in many thing years ago and today I laugh to how small my perception was.

Do I want this to be true? Having a partner, exactly match my vibration, my blue print! Again, I have no say. Either you are awaken or not, if you are not, still dreaming and if you are, neither this nor that, will make any difference.

The world is still here, but my eyes see nothing in the mirror and they are moments, I ask my heart, my divine within, what happened to me?

And I hear a whisper…. You are the happening! There are no walls, no destination, no lover to arrive or leave.  You want something when you believe in having… we do no ask every moment of life for air, do we? We do not ask every day for Sun? do We?

Your twinflame, your tribes even, your family and friends, ocean, birds, trees and music, they are all you.

I hear a whisper, gentle, kind, always with a bit of pepper and salt, amazing sense of humor, gazing into not knowing and feeling every moment as it is.

There is no more powerful passion than loving yourself. The rest is just there to serve this purpose, the world, the yoga and meditation classes, lovers, books, aloneness, parties, sex, poetry, dance, music, clouds, blue sky and dark oceans… all together are showing one masterpiece. YOU!

©Serena Devi

 

 

Are we ready for truth?

407133_2145984547865_1112762677_n

When I was younger, life seemed very different, my world was small and my needs so loud. I was thinking having things, like a house, car, a good job and circle of friends will be enough, will satisfy that place in me which I still have no name for it. I was sleep walking and couldn’t even feel the pain of walking on broken glasses, the darkness of fears and beliefs I was prisoned into.

These days, everyone talks about energy and vibration, everyone wants think and talk positive, otherwise what? Or the ship will sink!

Are we  still conditioned to certain way of being and now we need be always sunny.

Today, after years of noise, there is a silence sanctuary within me, within most of us, where we are witness to all the drama of life, with smile and hit of humour even in the face of most threatng events, we learnt to detach and let it pass.

But we also have a choice to hold of that nostalgic moment of uncertainty, not knowing how roots of sadness grasps our hearts, what happened to  sunny self. Why I feel so serious and listening to all craps of my mind when I know better!

It the past, I would struggle with my struggle, would try to remove it from my daily experience and would distract myself with some sort of action, doing something, calling someone, these days, I have no one to call to, it is a wide space of present and freedom, empty and available now, to get engaged with new people, connections, ideas and all of the sudden instead of getting creative and jump on unicorn of my dreams, I am sitting at a corner of room while sunny heart is hidden behind grey fluffy clouds, maybe for a moment I stop changing, directing,  having dialougue my every feelings and allow myself to be sad, to cry without reason, then laugh without a reason.

We are allowed to sit in our grieves, or pain, doesn’t matter they are all imaginary and not real, it is still a part of my ego play, let play it and let it pass. And I will do better tomorrow, because my different parts have more harmony after this scream into my own darkness.

Today, I want to live that darkness.

They are sides in us, in, out, middle…and hundreds more of rooms and corridors which we still have not discovered. Contentment is one of them, love is another, there is also this pantry which I like very much go and sit before sunset, I can see the entire sky without any birds and clouds from there… just before sun sets. That is time, I can really open up to music of my existence, after a long cry, a long shower of rain and ah, only then my heart is willing to see the rainbow again.

There is an entire universe lives and breathes inside our being and how could we even think, it should always be good, or strong, or need to always speak positive… and if we say our real feelings, e will be judged and perhaps people won’t see me as a teacher, a guru, a humble student, whatever we think we are, suddenly  becomes less, for expressing our true experience in that moment.

We are given the opportunity to have a form, to see and experience the wide spectrum of newness, feelings, ideas and actions .15 years ago, I would write my thoughts and cry my feelings between words and kept it in my little booklet without having a place to scream, today, the entire internet is your well, your mountain to go and scream, heard or not, you feel the release of tension, only because your mind still believes they are people out there! I wonder, how I am going to feel when enlightenment be discovered in one of these rooms and after that, my mind won’t even have the comfort of scream. J

But it is my journey, my path and over the last few weeks especially with a few big kicks and shocks from universe, I decided to spend more time listening to myself, those blue days that my heart wants to vanish behind clouds and I feel alone, I want to sit and hold myself in my arms, for as long as it takes… Because if my story in life was about the abandon child, then the only way that child in me, feel loved and appreciated is to have someone listening to her, stay fully with her. No one ever do this for you, except you!

My pain and joy, both comes from within and for that, I become responsible for my own being in a way that I never been before. So, what I eat, suddenly becomes a new topic and my body keeps shouting, enough, I can not eat this and that, change your eating habit… and I am so afraid to even listen, until, a shock comes which might not having anything to do with food and body, but has to do everything with life and my rooting and why I hide behind my weight and fat, to avoid certain feelings, certain people who always project my own darkness and fears…

So, I decided to sit today and just write, maybe for myself and perhaps for others.

Writing gives me space to feel and observe, to listen without judging myself, I only can do this with transparency, and that is why it gets hard, struggling with struggle, there is nowhere to hide, blame or make an excuse. I have to change, I have to find and discover what I don’t or can’t see at this moment, in me, it is not always believes, it could be a damaging values, but it is behind those grey clouds and unless I journey myself into those schizophrenic  hills and valleys, I won’t be able to unveil them, to se their nothingness, learn and grow.

So, from I to We, we must sit with our every moment and let it be lived in full. Expressing it or not, is a choice, which again we need to see our intention of all actions, doing of not doing!

By ending this note today, I find myself in a more relaxed stage than we I began. I might still not know why over the last couple of weeks, clouds pass my sky so often, but for sure, I know, writing takes their  seriousness away. I always smile, even between tears, sun always shines and love always wins.

Be who you are, no matter how it looks like from outside.

Serena Devi

 

Hello 2017

Hello,

Do you hear me inside this space, I call in inside… so, you must be out.. Somewhere in time and space.. Listening, still hoping.. They understand, they change… but I tell you… from the other side of death… they will never know what you felt.. They never faced death as you did and still do.

Death has been a great consultant, when you die every day to what you know about yourself, your life, your family… you learn the greatest lesson of life…Truth is not what I think or even see, Truth only breathes in moments and could be disguised in any form, it touches you for a moment, like a wild wind and then it is gone ..for another new moment.. and to meet this untamed, mysterious and seductive side of life, I call it… many Call him God… for me, the mystery is a thirst I can never satisfied.. For this desire to feel truth… I accepted this indescribable life, full of let go, ache and aloneness. I accepted to let go of everyone, because all I ever wished for, is to meet the mystery of God in each breath and I become refresh and new, every moment, not knowing who I am, where will I go… The world is a bubble, a platform to change my trains and have coffee of different platforms, with strangers who might become friends and with my own blood family who became strangers… This has been a path, not chosen but has lived in full spectrum..

 I used to know who I am, calling my name inside the bobble of life. I used to know, who my relations are, thinking no one will go away, but they did. Some, I asked them to leave,, some, asked me without words to let me go. I have been grieving for the last 9 years for all the loss that any human heart could experience, I felt depth of that suffering.

I danced between shadows and edge of hope, faith. Or surviving. I was wondering if one day, anyone come back to look into my mirror, to see what they really played in my life when I was left in cold of winter, in street of Vancouver, nowhere to go, no one to turn to!

 What happened when my friend of 35 years turned me away when I asked for a loan to pay for my hostel! I asked myself there and then, who are these people…

What did I do wrong? God answered, not in words, more of showing that the world is the mirror. All that is lost, was part of me, all that rises, is part of me.

And one day, I looked into the mirror and nothing was left from the world, I see a body, an intelligence here… and more of love than I ever imagined… I am free, I forgot their faces.. even the scars on my heart are fading. I am at the other side of this road, journey of discovery.. if we ever can call it the other side, I am there.. outside of boundaries, boxes, imitation of life.

When flames become your home, when alchemy becomes your only sanctuary, you choose surrendering, there is nowhere to hide, to stop, to pretend or preach. You are no longer standing in front of God. You are God and where we go after by know that. Don’t you forgive? Don’t you forget?

I did, I do. But I also never go back and never invite the nightmare in. I chose my heart, my simple and yet unpredictable life. I choose my true lover, the invisible one. Loving God, will take away your human personality, attachments, names, faces, belonging, fake friendships and connections.. Loving God, carves you, to your bones, until nothing is left, but truth. Devotion to mighty one is a priceless gift that no one really knows about it, until, you loss everything.. You realize nothing was yours to even begin with.

I am embracing 2017, from at the other side my life, Heaven, I arrived safe and free. I am saying Hello to the world and I am a true child of Sun, loving, dancing offering my life to the creator.

This year I no longer be anonymous, homeless and alone. I am standing in light and devotion to the creator of all,

Can you hear the voice of silence inside my words?

Can you see the dream of Heaven on earth, inside my heart?

I am here, outside of boundaries, limitation, fear, I am standing on Land of love…

Hello my children, Come home.

Serena Devi,

Larnaca, Cyprus 5 Jan 2017