Are we ready for truth?

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When I was younger, life seemed very different, my world was small and my needs so loud. I was thinking having things, like a house, car, a good job and circle of friends will be enough, will satisfy that place in me which I still have no name for it. I was sleep walking and couldn’t even feel the pain of walking on broken glasses, the darkness of fears and beliefs I was prisoned into.

These days, everyone talks about energy and vibration, everyone wants think and talk positive, otherwise what? Or the ship will sink!

Are we  still conditioned to certain way of being and now we need be always sunny.

Today, after years of noise, there is a silence sanctuary within me, within most of us, where we are witness to all the drama of life, with smile and hit of humour even in the face of most threatng events, we learnt to detach and let it pass.

But we also have a choice to hold of that nostalgic moment of uncertainty, not knowing how roots of sadness grasps our hearts, what happened to  sunny self. Why I feel so serious and listening to all craps of my mind when I know better!

It the past, I would struggle with my struggle, would try to remove it from my daily experience and would distract myself with some sort of action, doing something, calling someone, these days, I have no one to call to, it is a wide space of present and freedom, empty and available now, to get engaged with new people, connections, ideas and all of the sudden instead of getting creative and jump on unicorn of my dreams, I am sitting at a corner of room while sunny heart is hidden behind grey fluffy clouds, maybe for a moment I stop changing, directing,  having dialougue my every feelings and allow myself to be sad, to cry without reason, then laugh without a reason.

We are allowed to sit in our grieves, or pain, doesn’t matter they are all imaginary and not real, it is still a part of my ego play, let play it and let it pass. And I will do better tomorrow, because my different parts have more harmony after this scream into my own darkness.

Today, I want to live that darkness.

They are sides in us, in, out, middle…and hundreds more of rooms and corridors which we still have not discovered. Contentment is one of them, love is another, there is also this pantry which I like very much go and sit before sunset, I can see the entire sky without any birds and clouds from there… just before sun sets. That is time, I can really open up to music of my existence, after a long cry, a long shower of rain and ah, only then my heart is willing to see the rainbow again.

There is an entire universe lives and breathes inside our being and how could we even think, it should always be good, or strong, or need to always speak positive… and if we say our real feelings, e will be judged and perhaps people won’t see me as a teacher, a guru, a humble student, whatever we think we are, suddenly  becomes less, for expressing our true experience in that moment.

We are given the opportunity to have a form, to see and experience the wide spectrum of newness, feelings, ideas and actions .15 years ago, I would write my thoughts and cry my feelings between words and kept it in my little booklet without having a place to scream, today, the entire internet is your well, your mountain to go and scream, heard or not, you feel the release of tension, only because your mind still believes they are people out there! I wonder, how I am going to feel when enlightenment be discovered in one of these rooms and after that, my mind won’t even have the comfort of scream. J

But it is my journey, my path and over the last few weeks especially with a few big kicks and shocks from universe, I decided to spend more time listening to myself, those blue days that my heart wants to vanish behind clouds and I feel alone, I want to sit and hold myself in my arms, for as long as it takes… Because if my story in life was about the abandon child, then the only way that child in me, feel loved and appreciated is to have someone listening to her, stay fully with her. No one ever do this for you, except you!

My pain and joy, both comes from within and for that, I become responsible for my own being in a way that I never been before. So, what I eat, suddenly becomes a new topic and my body keeps shouting, enough, I can not eat this and that, change your eating habit… and I am so afraid to even listen, until, a shock comes which might not having anything to do with food and body, but has to do everything with life and my rooting and why I hide behind my weight and fat, to avoid certain feelings, certain people who always project my own darkness and fears…

So, I decided to sit today and just write, maybe for myself and perhaps for others.

Writing gives me space to feel and observe, to listen without judging myself, I only can do this with transparency, and that is why it gets hard, struggling with struggle, there is nowhere to hide, blame or make an excuse. I have to change, I have to find and discover what I don’t or can’t see at this moment, in me, it is not always believes, it could be a damaging values, but it is behind those grey clouds and unless I journey myself into those schizophrenic  hills and valleys, I won’t be able to unveil them, to se their nothingness, learn and grow.

So, from I to We, we must sit with our every moment and let it be lived in full. Expressing it or not, is a choice, which again we need to see our intention of all actions, doing of not doing!

By ending this note today, I find myself in a more relaxed stage than we I began. I might still not know why over the last couple of weeks, clouds pass my sky so often, but for sure, I know, writing takes their  seriousness away. I always smile, even between tears, sun always shines and love always wins.

Be who you are, no matter how it looks like from outside.

Serena Devi

 

Roots and wings

There is not enough light to make out
What is left inside my heart,
I cannot pretend everything is fine
When even stones feel better
Beneath the weight of the world.
Listen to sadness behind words,
Silence is not enough today to send the pain away,
It gets hard when there is no air,
It gets heavy when gravity attacks
the strength of your arms.
No one knows how to answer the crying moon
When darkness rubs to her skin
and all stars fall from tearful eyes of sky.
While the wind ruffles
the tree branches of my feminine vulnerability
Lilies carry my dreams to safe shores of love.

Rocks, seashells and waves move me
away from burning palms of the past
sadness is deep and wide,
words are too small to lift up my heart
in a shape of a hope
to begin a new flight.

I never trusted my eyes,
from the gates of my heart
Seeing always took me to higher mountains,
To where I could dance my destiny
with no fear.

Earth is more than a dream,
it feels like a flesh,
Beneath a knife
or a kiss, it responds.

Inside my earth
Feelings are so deep,
Their touch is real,
pain is as real as a pleasure;
sometimes the gravity of no ending path
pulls every breath under a question,
I cannot enter into another day
Without having hope that my life is not wasted
I will see the Sun that my dreams are promising now and then.

In deep forests
the white fog exists,
the abyss of everlasting light
In depth of our emotions
Sparkles on our bodies
Just enough to let us hear the earth songs,
Just enough to see between the ancient trees
As one part of us sink in now
Another part climb up to heaven’s gate.

In between,
the labyrinth of feelings
might cage our heart out of time, to cure the pain
sometimes block us in space, unmoved
so we reach out and grow toward the sun.

One moment
I am flow of love
trapped in a feminine body
in hope
to break the dead shell
and the next,
I throw myself like a seeds of light
Into the darkness of my emotions;
Between my roots and wings
I touch the silence in depth of dark,
Into the serenity of sky and stars,
I rise in light,
a white full moon.

~ Serena Devi, Oct 2012~

my dreams


A night time landscape;
the darkness above
the rose garden below
the shadow of forest around
the ache inside my heart
all yearning and longings behind,
do you hear the sound of stars inside my window
do you hear the flow of love from my heart to yours;
anything might happen
this is a dream
that you and I share
and will continue
as one river,
a new life in me
might end my body
but love in me continues
soundless inside valleys, trees and wildflower fields,
love in me
becomes a fairytale
vanishing inside the earth prelude,
my dreams end
in our complete silence.

~ Serena Devi, Oct 2012~

My childhood

Searching for my heart
Picking up pebbles
Hungry to understand
Why my childhood got lost.

Had I not fallen
In God’s arms
Would I able be recovered
From the lost paradise.

What a paradox
Life could be?!

People,
are they angels or beasts?
Where is the territory
That hungry hearts
Seek to plant
Their borders
Inside beliefs,
Belief inn self
Or
belief in things!

It came to me now,
After the sting of Scorpio king
Long after my death.

The rain falls
Across lands and oceans,
When I faced
my own failure
The darkness
made a healer of me.

Early colorful autumn leaves
on my dry skin
before larks fly away
through November winds,
the balm was
the awakening.

I say no more
Tomorrow sun
will give me back
my mended heart
cleared from venom.

The wind covers me
With new dreams.
I let go of
The Gods and shades,
Bring my soul to You,
Wash me
In transparency of morning,
As I all ever believed
Has gone.

In this silence
Stones fall out of motion,
And sea turns
Into circular waves.

What a paradox!!
To open our eyes
And fantasize of
what seems lacking
when the twilight sun
inside our heart
is all we need.

I am searching for my heart
Where the hills begin
Before the day break.
A million mirror
Turns their heads
Watching
The way,
We walk together,
Hand in hand.

So , after all
my childhood wasn’t wasted!
The return child could be
Full of innocence,
And her heart
The paradise,
She never left.

© Serena Devi, December 2011