Are we ready for truth?

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When I was younger, life seemed very different, my world was small and my needs so loud. I was thinking having things, like a house, car, a good job and circle of friends will be enough, will satisfy that place in me which I still have no name for it. I was sleep walking and couldn’t even feel the pain of walking on broken glasses, the darkness of fears and beliefs I was prisoned into.

These days, everyone talks about energy and vibration, everyone wants think and talk positive, otherwise what? Or the ship will sink!

Are we  still conditioned to certain way of being and now we need be always sunny.

Today, after years of noise, there is a silence sanctuary within me, within most of us, where we are witness to all the drama of life, with smile and hit of humour even in the face of most threatng events, we learnt to detach and let it pass.

But we also have a choice to hold of that nostalgic moment of uncertainty, not knowing how roots of sadness grasps our hearts, what happened to  sunny self. Why I feel so serious and listening to all craps of my mind when I know better!

It the past, I would struggle with my struggle, would try to remove it from my daily experience and would distract myself with some sort of action, doing something, calling someone, these days, I have no one to call to, it is a wide space of present and freedom, empty and available now, to get engaged with new people, connections, ideas and all of the sudden instead of getting creative and jump on unicorn of my dreams, I am sitting at a corner of room while sunny heart is hidden behind grey fluffy clouds, maybe for a moment I stop changing, directing,  having dialougue my every feelings and allow myself to be sad, to cry without reason, then laugh without a reason.

We are allowed to sit in our grieves, or pain, doesn’t matter they are all imaginary and not real, it is still a part of my ego play, let play it and let it pass. And I will do better tomorrow, because my different parts have more harmony after this scream into my own darkness.

Today, I want to live that darkness.

They are sides in us, in, out, middle…and hundreds more of rooms and corridors which we still have not discovered. Contentment is one of them, love is another, there is also this pantry which I like very much go and sit before sunset, I can see the entire sky without any birds and clouds from there… just before sun sets. That is time, I can really open up to music of my existence, after a long cry, a long shower of rain and ah, only then my heart is willing to see the rainbow again.

There is an entire universe lives and breathes inside our being and how could we even think, it should always be good, or strong, or need to always speak positive… and if we say our real feelings, e will be judged and perhaps people won’t see me as a teacher, a guru, a humble student, whatever we think we are, suddenly  becomes less, for expressing our true experience in that moment.

We are given the opportunity to have a form, to see and experience the wide spectrum of newness, feelings, ideas and actions .15 years ago, I would write my thoughts and cry my feelings between words and kept it in my little booklet without having a place to scream, today, the entire internet is your well, your mountain to go and scream, heard or not, you feel the release of tension, only because your mind still believes they are people out there! I wonder, how I am going to feel when enlightenment be discovered in one of these rooms and after that, my mind won’t even have the comfort of scream. J

But it is my journey, my path and over the last few weeks especially with a few big kicks and shocks from universe, I decided to spend more time listening to myself, those blue days that my heart wants to vanish behind clouds and I feel alone, I want to sit and hold myself in my arms, for as long as it takes… Because if my story in life was about the abandon child, then the only way that child in me, feel loved and appreciated is to have someone listening to her, stay fully with her. No one ever do this for you, except you!

My pain and joy, both comes from within and for that, I become responsible for my own being in a way that I never been before. So, what I eat, suddenly becomes a new topic and my body keeps shouting, enough, I can not eat this and that, change your eating habit… and I am so afraid to even listen, until, a shock comes which might not having anything to do with food and body, but has to do everything with life and my rooting and why I hide behind my weight and fat, to avoid certain feelings, certain people who always project my own darkness and fears…

So, I decided to sit today and just write, maybe for myself and perhaps for others.

Writing gives me space to feel and observe, to listen without judging myself, I only can do this with transparency, and that is why it gets hard, struggling with struggle, there is nowhere to hide, blame or make an excuse. I have to change, I have to find and discover what I don’t or can’t see at this moment, in me, it is not always believes, it could be a damaging values, but it is behind those grey clouds and unless I journey myself into those schizophrenic  hills and valleys, I won’t be able to unveil them, to se their nothingness, learn and grow.

So, from I to We, we must sit with our every moment and let it be lived in full. Expressing it or not, is a choice, which again we need to see our intention of all actions, doing of not doing!

By ending this note today, I find myself in a more relaxed stage than we I began. I might still not know why over the last couple of weeks, clouds pass my sky so often, but for sure, I know, writing takes their  seriousness away. I always smile, even between tears, sun always shines and love always wins.

Be who you are, no matter how it looks like from outside.

Serena Devi

 

Mystic diary -tea or coffee

​From Mystic diary – Tea or coffee
We awake to present moment and it feels it is gone or gets sour after an unpleasant taste of burnt toast or a hot tea. Something squeeze us from inside and there is nowhere to go and hide from the amonia smell in your nose, the ache in your heart, you ask yourself…

how can I get rid of this? 

How long more

When everything get back to normal?

This  pressured sense of knowing “nothing is normal, everything is normal”.

  All feelings are welcomed, like different titles of books on a shelf.  it is just this different tastes, sweet, bitter, salty and sometimes lifetime burnings. Romance, biography, history and self -helps. This awakening should have been over a long time ago, I had bookcases full of self-help books in my old flat!

We wake up and go back to sleep and again wake up and go back to sleep, one day, we wake up and toast doesn’t have a smell, good or bad, we wake up and decide to drink coffee instead of tea.

We wake up from tooth ache, heart ache and bad dreams. The feeling is inside us, it hurts us long enough, so we go and visit our dentist, it hurts deep enough, so we stop drinking one thing and replace it with a new drink. We awake to present moment through the window of experiences and life never close her windows. 

I woke to something yesterday, it is still hurting. I stopped the mind game but this run so deep, it is in the heart, the pain and the remedy. 

Life teaches us to let go, it is not about forgiving or forgetting the taste or the smell. 

It is about changing it to what makes you feel good, today, it might be a sweet taste of honey and tomorrow might be a hot curry!
Stop runaway from tastes and smells, stop controlling what to stay or go, just stop.

No need to tell yourself what tastes is good, or how your eggs should be made? Scramble or omelette ?! Present makes all your choices knowingly or not, you will experience everything from here to the next platform, the road is awakening and all you can do is to stay with moments. 
Time for morning something, coffee or juice, tea or a sense of self love!
If you listen, not in absent of words but in present of silence, you will hear what you want.
I did and today, all my feelings stretching into a new space, the window is open and I am about to go and make something! Knowing something and nothing are One. Only my choice in this moment makes this nothing into something.
Have a good day
Serena Devi

Day 1 -Landscape of feelings

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This morning I woke up from a dream, asking myself many questions about the nature of human’s heart.
There were times, I was afraid to feel, afraid of pain and joy .I was afraid to let go of suppressed emotions and accept my own power and will to choose different.
These days, life is a lucid dream which makes everything possible and changeable, I travel to memory lane with openness and excitement, I listen and let waves of feelings touch every corner of my being. I wait long enough to feelings lose their personal story and pain which always associates  with unwanted thoughts vanishes into sense of life. I stand with all of me, in the present moment and knowingly travel to all unwanted and hurtful moments. What was once named PAST, is nothing but a passing fog appearing on ground of present and the more focus I stare into it, the less I desire to carry the heaviness of my thoughts about it. I let them drop, it is so heavy and painful, this nagging judgment over events, people and outcomes. Especially when its darkness effects my present moment.
So, why I travel over and over to certain memories?!
This morning, I sat in my favorite armchair, sipping on my coffee, listening to a Serenity CD which I bought 8 years ago in San Francisco and over the period of two months, I listened it over and over, crying, longing and thinking of the man whom I fell in love. I listened to tracks with smile on my face and a peaceful heart.
I never met him again, never heard from him, I wrote letters, poems, emails for over 4-5 years and not even once, he replied. Before, I never knew what love is, what need is, what attachment means… This desire and longing turned into a spiritual journey, to find a purpose and make a sense of my own existence.
After 8 years, today, is the day that I look into landscapes of my feeling with no fear, resistance, and disapproval. Nothing is hidden, suppressed and disfigured. Every feeling is appreciated and honored.
Could I call this healing, enlightenment or acceptance? This peaceful state within my emotions is changeable, as waves of ocean, some moments rise to a level that might bring discomfort, alongside with a sense of wonder, however it rise, I rise with clarity and more space to observe and allow my emotions.
I certainly have a new understanding of love, sensuality and sexuality. I relate to my being more intimately and not necessary need the presence of a Masculine icon in my life to feel passionate, loving and sexual.
Fifteen years ago, I was a sex addict with no idea of what true love is, how a relationship works? I expected to be loved and cared for, but I wasn’t be able to offer myself that love and care. So, I lash out my body, mind and soul. I brought suffering and unworthiness into my own heart and life and meeting this man was another attempt to fix my addiction. But this time, the encounter led me to waking up and after that every event and change became an invitation to meet and embrace another part of myself, in time, I woke up to this magnificent inner landscape in my heart, constantly creating scenarios and stories to assist this waking up.
Life has become a vast space allowing all happening, love no longer is a need, lust or desire. Love is sacred place to meet every part of myself within mirror of the world. My heart feels vulnerable and transparent most of the time, but I am not running away from feeling, I feel my presence moment by moment and as I every day arrives, I renew my senses by embracing where I am with no reservation.
In totality of each moment, I stay intimate with my feelings and emotions and go beyond surface story, beyond what the mirror shows and how I choose to translate every event and person.
Life no longer needs to be perfect or purposeful. Life is a joy of presence, the greatest learning was and is, to feel sexual, sensual or loving, and I don’t need to be with another. I am enough, today is enough and far more than that, is a mystery that drives my passion and creative force to stay aware and loving and let it merge with magic and anticipation to create something magnificent and simple, from baking a bread to writing a poem. From morning shower to kissing the beloved’s lips.
Life is a constant openness to this mesmerizing landscape, feelings, emotions, colors, verity, mystery, transformation. Life is a rendezvous with Now, to make love.
I am sitting on my favorite armchair, loving all.
Enjoy.